ElderGeezr Tour

Doru, our "elder" moderator leads this exciting tour.

ElderGeezr Tour - join us in the unforgivable adventure, The Modern Day Grand Tour!

New in 2008 - The Dalmentian Extension

A new venture by ElderGeezr Tours in cooperation with Slow Car Rentals and Downer Airlines (“If we take off, we will somehow land somewhere!”) of Dalmentia ... read more!

Can you see 2 countries in 8 days?

This is the question to which the ElderGeezr Tour proposes to provide an answer with the Modern Days Grand Tour! No more Italy, Spain, France, and Maldives Islands: ENOUGH! For the sophisticate, experienced, really slow and the slower, we offer new horizons.

Who are we?

A good question! The ElderGeezr Tour is searching for an identity where none was ever detected: in the two countries so new on the touring map that they can't even be found on it. In fact, this is the reason we don't provide one.

Where do we go?

Another good question, proving the sophistication of our Slow Sure Travel(l)(l)ers. (There are some conflicting views among our experienced guides as to how traveler or traveller should be spelled while touring with us. We decided that the more, the merrier, thus we spelll travelllers with three llls.) Ah, yes! Where do we go? Another good question! We go to Slowinia and Slowikia, two countries recently added to the list of desirable slow travel objectives, so new that maps… Oh! Well, we already told you that, haven't we?

Slowinia and Slowikia

Covered by impenetrable forests, flooded by torrential rivers, shaken by relentless earthquakes, blessed with an obscure history and populated by peoples with roots in the magic kingdoms of Dracula and Garlic, these countries hide within well defended borders limitless opportunities for the knowledgeable and patient travelller. Their history starts in the dawn of the 22nd century, when their people were allowed to develop their own unique and still untapped beer and wine (and borsht or kvas).

Slow Country

Beautiful Slowinia and Slowikia on a summer day

Speaking of taps: The legal drinking age for visitors is from 8 minutes old to 7 years old and from 11 years old to as far as one can see on a clear day. This in order to make things easier for grandparents and parents who make the mistake of travelling with their brood: give them a double shot of raki and enjoy freedom overnight. Citizens of Slowinia and Slowikia endure more severe restrictions as they are not allowed to drink while sleeping.

The capital cities of Slowinia and Slowikia are Rottenhogsburg and Geesrottengau. Not accidentally, these two very special and unique, while without peer cities, of which we will talk later (in an hour or so), are twin cities. The daring explorer will find behind their earthen defensive ditches and walls a passionate culture and sometimes citizens coming back to the capital from a lusty cricket match (local national sport using crickets, but when none are available, they can be replaced with grasshoppers).

Rottenhogsburg and Geesrottengau

No wonder the sweet names of these two cities of delightful and frolicky population, whose origins are half Scythian, half Thracian and half Galicik, are pronounced in the same garlicky breath: their beauty is equitably similar and yet not quite. Here is what B.M.W. Horton, the famous Traveller (only 2 lls because he was Scottish) wrote about one (or the other) of these great metropoli (metropolises?):

"Travellers arriving in Rottenhogsburg (or Geesrottengau) are greeted by silence. Even walking in the streets or crossing the typical squared roundabouts, almost all you will hear is the sound of footsteps shod in clogs." And further: "All this appears as an enchantment to the unaccustomed eye and ear; there is, therefore, advice for circumspection in viewing all discreetly (evil eye not allowed), for scarcely do you stop when, crash! a porter runs you down mutely lisping "Sorry, man!", when you are lying on the ground. In the middle of the streets roll on silent rubber tyres carriages, drays and carts in unending stream, and above all these silent sounds rise those of chimes and bells from church towers, organs, fiddles, hurdy-gurdies, taragots, and tambourines."

Are Slowinia and Slowikia safe?

That's a damn good question! We judge by the reports of the same indefatigable B.M.W. Horton: "… Then you will see a bonfire of shavings flare up as high as the upper, or even third, floors of houses as in a circle are merrily shouting beggar-boys, mountebanks, sailors and rogues." (Note from tour organisers: We are not quite sure about the sailors, since Slowinia and Slowikia are actually land-locked.) "Suddenly a man whose shirt was stolen will cry: Stop thief!, and everyone will begin running and pushing and shoving – many of them not with any desire of catching the thief, but of providing themselves with a watch or a purse or some bottled water …" As you can see, Rottenhogsburg and Geesrottengau, as well as all other towns and villages of Slowinia and Slowikia are as safe as can be and surely not less safe than Paris, Naples, Asheville, Santa Fe, and other such minor tourist attractions.

What you will see?

Another intelligent, however unexpected, question, witness of our clientele's high intelligence. Well, let's see as the tour unfolds day by day:

Arrival

Ah!, breathe the fresh air of woods and rain as you lounge comfortably in your steerage airplane seat and eat your tasty home-made sandwich while contemplating our complete two-page brochure and dreaming about the renowned foods and wines (and borsht or kvas) of the bountiful two countries which are our destination.

Day 1 - Rottenhogsburg

Arrival at the modern Rottenhogsburg (or is it Geesrottengau?) Airport, only 250 km away from the great city. Air-conditioned diligences wait for our weary passengers. As the now familiar B.M.W. described it: "On the road to the capital, as the clouds of dust gently settle on our shoulders and Slow Travel caps, the high road becomes more and more lively. Travellers in carriages or on horseback follow each other in rapid succession. On every side, coaches of various shapes meet together, and vie with each other in the velocity of their movements, crowded not only with inside passengers, but also completely occupied by travellers without."

Arrival at our hotel, The Loosy Koenigin. Travellers will be allocated two each to a bunk, with Turkish toilets included. The hotel's restaurant waits for us with a refreshing drink of Reisenshinkenbeer and delightful finger foods, including one falafel patty per person.

Slow Country Hotel

Serene and elegant dining room, exclusively for ElderGeezr Tour

The pitas are charged to the guests' rooms, so the guest don't have to concern themselves with exchanging their dollars to local currency (the Loowen is available at the Slowinia central bank's rate of exchange of LOO15,000/Maldives Cent). Mountebanks, hanging around the hotel smoking their portable narghilés will exchange you LOO1,500 for one Maldives Cent in a blink.

The rest of the day is free for our guests to enjoy and absorb the unique atmosphere of Rottenhogsburg (or is it Geesrottengau?) and breathe the aromas and multi-coloured dusts specific to the various sextiere(!!!) of the city.

Day 2 - The adventure begins

First, a tour of the famed city of Rottenhogsburg (or is it Geesrottengau?), the Pearl of the Slosh River. Widely regarded in the last three weeks as one of the world's most beautiful cities, Rottenhogsburg (or is it Geesrottengau?) is a city of two-story palaces and authentic wood and mud mansions, 3,000 year-old Scythian temples and amphitheatres, modern baths and Turkish toilets and too many to count (or duke) museums and galleries, all situated on the graceful Slosh.

Lunch and refreshing local borscht and kvas, the delights of the region, will be served where available. Dinner will be self-catered: the vending machines in the hotel will accept banknotes of EUR or USD20, 50 and 100. Remember: change is guaranteed to be sometimes available.

Days 3 and 4 - The Slosh River and secular forests

In paddle boats we head east to the shores of Slowinia's National Retreat for Environ-metal mines. This is where our adventure begins once more. We will spend the following 48 hours in this sensational park, where machinery meets wild life, CO2 meets the refreshingly fluid streams of mercury springs, and local rangers will take us into the depth of the depleted forests as they chase contrabandists, bandits and venison.

Slow Country

The scenic Slosh River. Photo by Dan Foss.

Days 5 and 6 - Mountains

From the lush bold forests and glittering mercury springs we now move into Slowikian mountain country, where we encounter ancient pockets of Northumbrian culture. Sample the region's cuisine while sipping local 85 degrees proof must and wines in the ambience of medieval castles and mud huts - this is the exotic face of new Europe. See the magnificent fortress-towns of Fallen Towers and Squinteshti and walk through the grand squares of once mighty villages.

Day 7 - Geesrottengau

After a pleasant, albeit smokey 11 hours and 23 minutes train ride in the now famous T.L.V. (Train à Lente Vitesse), arrival at the modern Geesrottengau (or is it Rottenhogsburg?) train station, only 45km away from the great city. Air-conditioned open carriages wait for our leery passengers. As the now familiar B.M.W. described it: "On the road to the centre of the capital, as the clouds of dust gently settle on our shoulders and Slow Travel caps, the high road becomes more and more lively. Travellers in carriages or on horseback follow each other in rapid succession. On every side, coaches of various shapes meet together, and vie with each other in the velocity of their movements, crowded not only with inside passengers, but also completely occupied by travellers without”…

Arrival at our hotel, The Lousy Koenig. Travellers will be allocated two each to a bunk, with Turkish toilets included. The hotel's restaurant waits for us with a refreshing drink of Reisenshtinkenbeer and delightful finger foods, including one large falafel patty per person. The pitas are charged to the guests' rooms, so the guest don't have to concern themselves with exchanging their dollars to local currency (the Lowwen is available at the Slowikia's central bank rate of exchange of LOW15,000/Maldives Cent). Mountebanks, hanging around the hotel smoking their portable narghilés will exchange you LOW1,500 for one Maldives Cent in a blink. Travelllers can also use the leftover Loowens from Slowinia or leftover foods.

Slow Country Hotel

Pool area at the Lousy Koenig Hotel

The rest of the day is free for our guests to enjoy and absorb the unique atmosphere of Geesrottengau (or is it Rottenhogsburg ?) and breath the aromas and multi-coloured dusts specific to the various sextiere(!!!) of the city.

Day 8 - Geesrottengau continues

The adventure continues. First, a tour of the famed city of Geesrottengau (or is it Rottenhogsburg ?), the Pearl of the Trosh River. Widely regarded in the last three weeks as one of the world's most beautiful cities, Geesrottengau (or is it Rottenhogsburg ?)) is a city of two-story wooden palaces and of authentic mud and hay huts, 3,000 year-old Thracian temples and amphitheatres, modern Turkish baths and toilets and too many to count (or duke) museums and galleries, all situated along the magnificent Trosh.

Lunch and refreshing local borscht or kvas, the delights of the region, will be served where available. Dinner will be self-catered: the vending machines in the hotel will accept banknotes of EUR or USD20, 50 and 100. Remember: change is guaranteed to be sometimes available.

Day 9 - We sadly say good-bye

Our travellers will find their way home as always, filled with the delights of our wonderful trip and with the tripe purchased duty-free at the Slowinian and Slowikian shops.

Fact file

  • 8.295 land days
  • Maximum 83.75 travelllers
  • Start in Rottenhogsburg (or is it Geesrottengau?), Slowinia and finish in Geesrottengau (or is it Rottenhogsburg?), Slowikia
  • All meals excluded

Highlights

Read above.

Accommodations

Comfortable bunk bed accommodations with common Turkish toilets and washrooms and other shared facilities.

Price

EUR10,000 / USD10,000 / GBP10,000 / CAD10,000 / AUS10,000 / VEB100,000 per person, no questions answered

 

Click to sign up for this tour!!

 

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