The Dalmentian Extension

A trip tailored for the sLow Dollar countries: add three days to the 8-day Slowinia and Slowikia tour introduced by ElderGeezr Tours in 2007!

Pay less, Save for more! If you couldn’t do it in 2007 with a higher sLow Dollar, why not in 2008, when the sLow Dollar is lower?

The enormous success of our Slowinia and Slowikia 8-day tours provided us with the experience on which we built the 2008 Dalmentia programme.

Our Consultant, Dr Gaillard de la Doruña, Docent SlowShrink at the University of Slowinia and Professore of SlowTravellogy at the University of  Slowikia, was requested by the Government of the Impending Republic of Dalmentia (Dalmentia) to develop this programme. Here is Dr de la Doruña’s notes on Dalmentia:


“Dalmentia is the only island country in the world which is completely landlocked. Its pear-shaped territory lies between the Eastern mountains of Slowinia and the Western marsh meshallows of Slowikia. Thanks to this unique geological heritage, established more that 600 million years ago, Dalmentia developed in the shadow of its larger neighbours. The population of Dalmentia, now numbering more or less, was always a haven of refuge for the retiring populations of Slowinia and Slowikia, hence the name of the country (if you get our drift).


Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd) is the beautiful and picaresque capital of Dalmentia. Surrounded by the surround Sounds of North Sound and South Sound, the city rises above the waves of corn, wheat and barley, its defensive walls allowing the visitor to admire the domes of its yurtas and, in the winter, of its igloos. A modern city already almost 7000 years ago, Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd) carries a tradition of investment into the ground unequalled in the region.


Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd) is municipally divided in three burrows boroughs: the Old Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Old Trd), the Older Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Older Trd) and Oldest Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Oldest Trd).

 Dalmentia Flag

The flag of Dalmentia sports two colours, yellow on yellow: on the yellow background two large yellow canaries share a yellow worm, symbols of the fertility and democracy of the Impending Republic. The tradition of the bi-yellow flag had a deep signification for the People of Dalmentia since through its DNA still pass the DNA strands of the most famous of its historical figures, King Blind John of Dalmentia, who died in 1346 (hence the Quattrocento) at the famous battle of Crécy at the hand of the young English Prince Edward the Purple. The legend says that before dying, King Blind John saw the light, and said to his squires: “I have seen the future, and you better learn English!” These words are carved in hard Dalmentian Millennium cheese above the entrance to the country’s Parliament: “I have seen the future, and you better learn English!”.


The main product of Dalmentia is the ethanol, which is supported by the production of corn, a main staple of the population being the mãmãlighe, also known as Slow (boiling) Polenta, also derived from the corn produce. Dalmentia is the largest exporter of frozen mãmãlighe in the world. The wheat is being grown exclusively for export as the country’s mills are taken exclusively by cornmeals  corn milling. The revenue from the export of wheat is then used to subsidize the low cost of a variety of barley by-products, including the National Beverage of Dalmentia, the Schtünkken Beer, and the beaver barley soup, another local staple.


The Dalmentian population is highly educated. No less than 13 Gerontology Institutes have established their academic bases here, taking advantage of generously subsidised research grants, the advanced and gratis Medicare Programme of Dalmentia and the abundance and diversity of study subjects.


The main academic institution of Dalmentia is it famous Institute of Ophtalmic Sciences. Since 91.36% of the Dalmentian population is at an age where eyesight becomes an adventure, scientists at the Institute dedicate their lives to the study of, experimentation with and curing of macular edema, retinal vein occlusion, macular degeneration, diabetic macular leakage, eye inflammation, idiopathic central serous chorioretinopathy, anterior or posterior uveitis, pars planitis, retinitis pigmentosa, radiation retinopathy, posterior vitreous detachment, epiretinal membrane formation, idiopathic juxtafoveal retinal telangiectasia, Nd:YAG capsulotomy or iridotomy and the more common glaucoma.


Dalmentia may be somewhat Dal dull but is always dementia.”

Is Dalmentia safe? That’s a damn good question! We judge by the reports of the indefatigable B.M.W. Horton: “…Then you will see a bonfire of shavings flare up as high as the upper, or even third, floors of houses as in a circle are merrily shouting beggar-boys, mountebanks, sailors and rogues.” (Note of tour organisers: we are not quite sure about the sailors, since Dalmentia is actually land-locked.) “Suddenly a man whose shirt was stolen will cry: Stop thief!, and everyone will begin running and pushing and shoving – many of them not with any desire of catching the thief, but of providing themselves with a watch or a purse or some bottled water…” As you can see, Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd, as well as all other towns and villages of Dalmentia are as safe as can be and surely not less safe than Paris, Naples, Asheville, Savannah, Susanna, and other such minor tourist attractions.

The Tour

D-Day 1: Upon arrival to the beautiful, fully manual airpoty airport of Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd), the group members will be received with flowers and Schtünkken Beer by the children of the Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd) High School, whose average age is 69, a great achievement of the Impending Republic of Dalmentia’s Government: two months ago the average age of the student of this foremost school was 81. For full details on the manner in which this exceptional progress was assured in such a short time, please read the attached brochure, available both in Dalmentian and for free.

In consideration of the long flight across the ocean, all members of the group will be first driven by pretty local oxen carts to their yourtas, typical of the Old Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Old Trd). Yourtas are easily dismountable and transportable circular construction, covered with felt, sometimes with plaits, and in the wet areas, with a layer of fabric. The members of the group will be provided with the required original material and instruction and will be able to build their own yourtas and then dismantle them as needed and carry them during the rest of the Dalmentian Tour. It should be noted and forewarned that the Dalmentian authorities do not allow the export of Dalmentian yourtas and any attempts to smuggle any such constructs out of the country are severely punished. It should also be noted that the assembly of the yourta is traditionally the business of the women and occupies two or three people during a few hours. On the other hand, transport requires one or two camels, three horses, a van or a station-wagon. Each yourta is equipped with a sleeping bag, one or more sleeping bugs, water from the well, soap, towels, 5 cans of OFF and other amenities typical for the advanced Dalmentian level of living. including the removable, collapsible and portable Turkish toilet (un)seat provided to each visitor by Slow Car Rentals and Downer Airlines.

D-Day 2: After a well deserved sleep, breakfast will be served by the elder women of Old Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Old Trd). The breakfast menu is always a surprise, and it accompanied with copious quantities of Phénergan Crème to soothe the rare cases of insect bites and with Auréomycine for the even rarer cases when these bites may have become infected.

For the rest of the day, the group is offered the opportunity of learning how Dalmentians live. Those visitors who have already arranged spot surgeries of cataracts, laser eye surgery and epiretinal membrane extractions will have the day off and will rejoin the group in the following morning.

During the day free meals will be provided, with the famous Dalmentian specialties: beaver barley soup with baked mãmãlighe, fried mãmãlighe, ground stale mãmãlighe, mãmãlighe in curry sauce, and the famous palacsinta made with sour mãmãlighe and goat tofu, all accompanied by the famous Schtünkken Beer. 

Dalmentians like tourists and are particularly dedicated to the slowing down as much as possible of the travelling experience, by guiding the visitors from abroad in concentric circles.

Note: Dalmentia requires from its citizens, as well as from visitors, to carry at all times valid photo ID. Driver Licences from other countries are not accepted unless they cover driving ox carts Category 16.

Evening will find our visitors back to their yourtas, checking carefully their supplies of Phénergan Crème to soothe the rare cases of insect bites and of Auréomycine for the even rarer cases when these bites may have become infected.

The children of the Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd) High School will close the day with a unique show of dances, song and ululations, long, wavering, high-pitched sounds resembling the howl of a dog or wolf, along with clapping and call-and-response, and will engage the members of the group in energetic folk dances.

D-Day 3: After a well deserved sleep, breakfast will be served by the elder women of Old Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Old Trd). The breakfast menu is again a surprise, and it is accompanied as usual with generous quantities of Phénergan Crème to soothe the rare cases of insect bites and with Auréomycine for the even rarer cases when these bites may have become infected.

All members of the group are assembled at the Central Cart Station and embark on the road to the to the beautiful, fully manual airpoty airport of Trgslõopiæÿngrd (pronounced Trd). They will pick up on the way to the airport the members of the group who have taken advantage of the advanced and gratis Medicare Programme of Dalmentia to have their spot surgeries of cataracts, laser eye surgery and epiretinal membrane extractions.

From here, happy and energised, the group will fly to Rottenhogsburg (or Geesrottengau), the beautiful capital of Slowinia and the continuation of their tour.